The morning kiss

The restless sleep

The long night

The feverish nightmares

The dismal darkness

The burden of a troublesome past

The fear of an uncertain future

All forgotten and laid to rest

As I open my eyes

To your morning kiss.

 

Once again I am strong and prepared

To face the Present

I live to fight one more day

And so I shall carry on

If I know that at the other side

Of the darkest of nights

Awaits me a tender kiss from you.

 

Salesmanship

I got my Aquaguard water filter serviced today. The agent whom I called to do it is one of the most interesting salesman I have met in a long time. I first called him to replace the filter of my Aquaguard six months back. While he was doing that, he told me all kind of stories about different water filters – which ones are worth their price, difference between brands, etc.  He measured the purity of my water using a hand-held device and told me it is perfectly fine for drinking and I don’t need to think of changing my device. He advised me to get my filter cleaned every six months to ensure longevity and purity of water.  Then he noted my contact details in a little telephone book of his and insisted that I too note his mobile number in my address book (‘”so you can remember that I am calling and it is not an anonymous call”). After that, I completely forgot about him.

A week back, exactly six months to the day, I got a call from him – his name flashing on my mobile phone and I having no clue of who he was. When he introduced himself, I remembered him. He had called to check if I wanted to get my filter cleaned. I didn’t feel any particular need to get it done but just to reward him for his diligence, I agreed and asked him to come today.  He came right on time, cleaned the filter and also made sure that he cleaned the kitchen area around the Aquaguard both before and after his own work. Once again, he measured the purity of my water and re-affirmed its good for drinking. He also told me not to go for an RO device (“as it is becoming fashionable these days”) since I don’t need it. Once again, he updated my entry in the little book of his telling me that “the next time I will call you is in April, six months from now. You will not hear from me before that unless you call me for some problem in your device”.

In these days of increased information availability on the internet, ability to compare prices and features, the convenience of going into a mall and flipping through the stuff on sale yourself, we don’t often come across high quality salesman. In fact even for some of the expensive purchases I have done recently, the salesmen have not played a major role in influencing my buying decision except ensuring that they are courteous and well-mannered enough not to put me off  (because many salesman today are very good at putting you off with their pushy or snobbish behavior). So it was refreshing to meet this Aquaguard agent who is a very good salesman indeed. He knows his product well, is able to judge the customer and adapts his conversation accordingly, has lots of opinions and suggestions to give but is never pushy and is very professional in his behavior. Even more impressive is his customer database management – no fancy gadgets, just a little book and a pen but so very effective. It does show that while modern technology with blackberry calendars, to-do lists, reminders and many other applications have made it easier to manage our circle of business associates and friends, what really matters is our own mindset and commitment. Even without these tools we can make sure we remember the people who matter and make it to every meeting on time. Just like people did for hundreds of years before the digital revolution. And vice-versa, even with all the technology at our service, most of never end up using them just because we don’t have the right mindset.

Modern-day Slavery

Currently reading ‘A Crime So Monstrous’, a book on modern day slavery and human trafficking. This is one of those not-so-well-known titles I just picked up on a whim on the Hyderabad airport many months back while I was passing time waiting for my delayed flight. Had never heard about the book or the author and it is a topic I have never really cared about. Even after buying the book, it was lost in my book shelf for all these months as I went through the titles higher up in my reading list. Only when I left behind by mistake the earlier book I was reading at my hometown this weekend, I ended up starting this book. And since then, I have been unable to put it down.

It is impossible to imagine the kind of injustice and brutality that so many people still live in today. Living in India with abject poverty around me and watching enough of documentary television, this is not the first time I have come across these facts. But yet the bare facts chill me to the core. How can people be sold for less than $10? How can people be so cruel towards other human beings? How can there be more slaves today than at any other time in human history when we have developed so much as a civilization from the barbaric times? How come so many places in this world, including those close to where we live, can be 150 to 200 years behind in development with no access to food, water or clothing? How can I watch a TV show on $2000 a night luxury hotel rooms on Travel & Living and then immediately switch the channel and watch a story on sex slavery in Eastern Europe on BBC, finish off my dinner, switch off the TV and go to sleep with my little world intact?

You read the account of some of the sex slaves, the child labors, their stories of defeat and defiance, of courage and fear, and realize how fortunate you are to face such simpler battles in life. There is far less courage needed in you to face the challenges you are struggling with (the net result of which is a marginally more fulfilling life) than the determination and courage these people need to just ensure their survival and basic human dignity. Yet such is the human race, our mental and emotional make up, that even after knowing all this, we still get depressed and dejected over our own little troubles.

You step back and a naive optimist in you wonders that there has to be a better way of distributing global wealth to make the different parts of the world less unequal and ensure minimum levels of food security to people in all parts of the world. But the realist in you that as of now there is no answer in sight. Communism was a disaster. Socialism has had its own severe shortcomings. Capitalism, while most popular as of now, is making the divide between the rich and the poor greater by the day. Where do we go from here?

Cricket again

Yesterday I watched the India-Australia one-day match at Nagpur and quite enjoyed it. I didn’t watch the whole match, primarily the last 20 overs of the Indian innings which were probably the best part of the match.  This was rare luck for me as often the one-day matches I have watched in the past 12 months or so have been in patches of few overs and always the ones where the action is the least exciting. So this time I hit my purple patch as a viewer.

In recent times, there have been serious questions raised over the viability of the one-day game given the advent of T20 format. To some extent it is true that on average T20 games are much faster paced and end up with more close finishes than one-day games.  But for me it is a format that is slowly taking me off cricket as a viewer. Firstly, there is too much of cricket nowadays. Especially in T20 tournaments, there is a match almost every day and there is a tournament every couple of months. Secondly, T20 has turned cricket into a very uni-dimensional and tactical game. It truly is bang bang cricket and so much of finesse is disappearing from the game. This is evident from the kind of players it is throwing up who are always almost found wanting when it comes to international  test cricket. What a pleasure it was to see the Dhoni-Gambhir  and Dhoni-Raina partnerships yesterday, the way they were built up and changed their pace with time! Can one ever expect to see that in a T20 match? Even from a bowling perspective, a one-day match gives so much more to a viewer than T20. Over 10 overs, you get to see a bowler tested in different conditions and showcasing a greater variety of his skills. The perseverance and strength of players is also brought to the fore in a one-day match – to be able to bat through  35-40 overs in hot and humid conditions is no easy task.  The one-day format does have its flaws that have been more than exposed by T20 format.  Often the game meanders away – a case in point is the last 10 overs of the match yesterday when the game was all but over but both the teams were visibly going through the motions and it showed in the less than 100% effort of the Indian bowling and fielding. The pace of T20 has clearly improved the quality of fielding and taken some lethargy out of cricketers in general.  T20 is also likely to be more successful in spread of cricket to more countries and even to multi-event competitions like Olympics.  But at the end of the day, for someone like me, T20 will never be more than club cricket or gulli cricket. Maybe one-day format needs some changes – 40 overs a side or two innings – but as of now it is far superior to T20.

Another hotly debated topic prior to the Nagpur match was the batting position of Dhoni. Suddenly all news channels were full of ‘breaking news’ reports of ‘cricket experts’ asking Dhoni to bat up the order.  When Dhoni still came at no.5 position and hit a match-winning century, the media followed with another frenzy of ‘breaking news’ story of Dhoni proving all his critics and cricket experts wrong. Sometimes I wish our media could step back and look at the kind of stupid stuff they throw at their audience and feel some sense of shame or embarrassment. Whether it is a terrorist attack, a personal tragedy or a sporting event, our media shows no sensitivity or self-regulation in covering it. Nobody had criticized Dhoni and when the experts had asked him to bat up the order, it was with the purpose of his getting to face 30-35 overs which he did in this particular game. So they were more right than wrong. But Dhoni’s batting position is a tricky decision given the profile of remaining Indian batsmen. In fact, the ideal batting order has been an oft debated issue in all teams.  I wonder if there is a smarter way of organizing the batting order instead of defining the position of a particular batsman. Instead of saying that X should bat at no. 5, maybe we can define the order based on the number of the over being played. So Dhoni comes in after over 20 as long as wickets fallen are 3 or less.  Similarly Yuvraj should come in after over 30 as long wickets fallen are 4 or less.  Of course, this will create a complex set of inter-dependent rules but that is a one-time effort to sort out for most scenarios.  What this does is that it makes sure the strengths of a batsman are fully leveraged. In fact, most captains do some of this intuitively when they send in a pinch-hitter or a different batsman first if the wickets fall too quickly. But by building the above-described categories, they could have a ready made chart for most situations to refer to. Further sophistication can also account for how well a player plays under pressure or while batting first vs chasing a score.

Dilli ki Shaadi

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend a typical Delhi wedding. Although I have lived in Delhi for three years, I have never had the chance to do this before – partly because I have very few friends who belong to Delhi as their hometown and partly because the travel involved in my job never allowed me to attend any wedding that was on a weekday.

The time mentioned in the card was 8 pm and we were planning to reach by 9 pm to allow for some delay. Luckily some kind soul told us that 9 is too early and 10 would be a better time. So we left Gurgaon at 9 pm with a slight fear at the back of our mind that we might be too late. It was a long drive as the wedding was in west Delhi, a traditional Punjabi area. The venue was mentioned as the Ram Lila ground and it was quite easy to site given the huge pandal set up there. But as we drove past the main entrance, we realized that the names mentioned on the gate were of some other couple. Wrong place! Interestingly right next to this pandal, there was another pandal and then another. So we kept driving. The second pandal too turned out to be some other wedding (the placard reading ‘Gagandeep weds Gagandeep!’). Luckily the third one turned out to be the right one. What an amazing venue – three weddings taking place side by side!!

Once inside, we looked around for the bride and the groom but they didn’t seem to be there. In fact, the entire atmosphere was quite ‘thanda’. Were we late and the pheras had started? We searched for some known face and with some trouble found a few friends. The news was that the baraat still hadn’t arrived and everyone was waiting. Most people were a lot less surprised at this than us. Clearly we were new to Delhi weddings. It would be unheard of to have the baraat arrive this early. After about 30 minutes of waiting, we heard a loud firecracker go off outside and saw the sky lit bright with lights. The baraat seemed to have arrived. Some of our friends went out to check. The baraat had indeed arrived and was just 100 metres from the gate. Finally! Over the next 45 minutes, we continued to wait for the already arrived baraat to actually arrive. The firecrackers kept going off and the music kept going louder but the baraat would just not arrive. At last, there was a burst of firecrackers right at the door. And it kept going on. And on and on. It was truly an amazing sight! The sky lit with different coloured lights in different patterns for almost 15 minutes. It was beautiful but after a point everyone was wondering when will this stop. It was as if there were too many firecrackers left over and someone was intent on finishing them off before the baraat entered. I remember doing something similar the day after Diwali in my childhood. Sometimes there used to be quite a few firecrackers left over and the next day we would keep lighting them at odd times just to finish them off. And by evening it wasn’t with any great excitement or joy but almost like a job that needs to be done – one after the other, not even caring to look at the results, with some tired soul shouting to give up and leave the rest for another occasion.

Once the firecracker show was over, what was left was a huge cloud smoke in the air that hid even the bright moon behind it. But the good news was that the baraat was here and we could now put in our attendance to the groom and go back home. However, once again our lack of experience of such weddings was exposed. From the gate to the inside was no easy task. There was the ‘milaai’ with the bride’s side greeting each member of the groom’s side with a teeka and a gift. The entire show was being telecast live on a screen in the lawns where we were sitting. So we saw people shaking hands and hugging each other with the broadest of smiles. The bride’s side was giving each relative of the groom one of those luxury blankets that come in a transparent bag – clearly expensive and large enough to be visible to everyone (I could even read the  brand name on the bag – ‘Marigold’). After 30 minutes, the groom found his way to the starting of the lawn where all of us were. But one last hurdle to go before he can enter and get married. He was blocked by a group of girls from the bride’s side who he needed to pay to let him enter the premises. Once again the customary negotiations started, led by the guys on the groom’s side and these girls. It lasted for 15 minutes and as always, it ended with the girls winning and some elder from the groom’s side giving them a huge stack of cash after turning it around the groom’s head.

As soon as the groom was into the premises, we were quick to make our way through the throng of relative around him and meet him. Attendance done, it was time to go. Just then, someone suggested that having waited so long, it seemed worthwhile to wait a little longer and also see the bride and the ‘jaimaal’ ceremony. Made sense. So we waited a little longer.

Meanwhile, I forgot to mention that while waiting for the groom, we were smart enough to get through with the food. And trust me the food more than lived upto the expectations of a Delhi wedding. There were all sorts of cuisines – chaat, chinese, pizza, north indian – 2 to 3 different counters within it, south indian and a few other we didn’t have the stamina to check out. The entire snacks counter, including chaat, was opened quite early so people could keep themselves entertained while waiting for the baraat. Even the main course was opened once the baraat reached the gate (if they had done it earlier, many guests might have left even before the baraat arrived). So we finished off the main course as well before the baraat actually entered the premises. In fact, given the long time the baraat took between arriving at the gate and entering the premises, it seemed many guests actually finished dinner and left (I can say this because suddenly the hotly contested seating spaces seemed to be getting free. Even some of the front row sofas were empty). The desserts were outstanding – gulab jamun, rabri, jalebi, stick kulfi, ice cream, ice-gola… my mouth has started watering again even as I write this.

One challenge with shaadi food nowadays is the moment I start filling my plate, the words of Raju Srivastava start sounding in my years. One of the famous comic acts he did on the mess created while eating shaadi food is so well ingrained in my mind that I become conscious as soon as I see more than 2-3 dishes in my plate. So I take care to eat in moderation and not take everything at once. Thank you Raju for teaching me this

A few words on the people gathered there. Once again the Dilli wedding didn’t disappoint. There were flashy sarees, high heels, guys wearing elaborate embroidery, halter neck blouses and expensive jewelry. Age was no bar. So it was easy to spot old aunties wearing a really bright saree with zari work all over, lots of diamond jewelry, high heels that made it tough to walk on the uneven ground and their faces turned white with make up. The guys accompanying the groom also wore some memorable outfits – bright achkans with lots of embroidery and sequence work, with some upturning their collars hero-mafik and some opening the top few buttons to show off their chest. And there was the crazy dancing as the groom was entering the premises, people genuinely dancing their hearts out and the pace increasing every time they came under the camera lights. The best sights are to see the ladies dancing with their heavy outfits and heels and doing a great job of vigorously moving their upper bodies to provide the semblance of the energetic dance while hardly moving their feet given the sensitivity of the heels. One gentleman I must mention here and I do hope I can help you visualize him, trust me it will be worth it – a Punjabi munda in his late twenties with a pot belly, dressed in a bright red shirt with a jeans below, a white linen jacket with embroidery on one side on top, black pointed shoes below, spectacles with an orange frame, a huge watch in his hand and the finishing touch of a metallic ear-ring in his left ear. Seeing him alone was worth the drive back and forth from Gurgaon!

Coming to the ‘Jaimaal’ ceremony and once again it was a Delhi special. The bride and the groom were made to climb a rickety and narrow platform. On top of the platform there was another smaller, round platform which they stood up on. The bride clearly scared of falling given her complex attire. As they exchanged the garlands, behold!, the round platform they are on starts rotating. There is more. There are two pumps throwing up loads of rose petals on them. It is hilarious. The poor couple standing on a rotating platform 5 feet high in the middle of the crowd, the spotlight on them, rose petals being thrown at them from pumps at relative high force, everyone cheering and they needing to smile in return. All the while, a romantic bollywood number playing in the background. Then the official photographer takes over – this is an important event and the snaps need to be perfect. He makes the couple adjust their stance and smiles on the platform as he climbs up the stairs of the platform and takes a few dozen pictures. It is interesting to see the authority with which the photographer speaks on these occasions, clearly making sure they are seen as the man in charge. After a while, the photographer is through with his snaps, the rose petals have finished and everyone is waiting for the platform to stop rotating and the couple to come down. But it goes on for a few more minutes till the entire background song comes to an end. The climb down is equally treacherous given the narrow staircase. Thankfully, there are no mishaps in the entire sequence of events.

Thereafter, the couple make their way to the ornate couch on the stage and get ready to meet people and smile for the cameras. We debate whether to get in the queue and also do the last formality of going up the stage and getting ourselves clicked with the bride and the groom. We decide against it and instead leave our gift into the safe hands of the groom’s mother before bidding good-bye to this auspicious event.

It was truly an experience we had missed all these years of being in Delhi and worth going on. I guess a lot of things that happen in such a wedding can be seen as unnecessary and wasteful if you see it with a skeptic’s eye (like I did). But you need to let go and be part of the celebration, not questioning the why but enjoying the how. In a way, see it with the eyes of a foreigner (and as has been captured in various movies) – something that you can only get in a city like Delhi and worth experiencing at least once in your life.

Virtues and sins

A man walks down a well-paved path,

Looking over his shoulder, looking at his past

A man of virtue, a man of gold

No guilt, no regrets does he hold

Proud of his character, proud of his beliefs,

Proud he feels of all that he has achieved

Honest in his words, honest in his deed

A loving husband, a friend in need

A faithful fella he has always been

No lies to hide, no sins to be seen

As he passes, people pause

One can see nods of appreciation, hear sounds of applause
 

Suddenly he finds himself at the end of the road

There is nothing ahead, turn right he must

He finds himself on an unpaved path

The people look different, the air smells strange

He stands out in the crowd, everyone stares at him

He is dressed like in coat and ties

But others are not wearing any clothes

He speaks in a gentle and proper way

But all he hears are laughter and swears

He talks passionately about his family and friends

Only to be scorned at for his lack of character

People look down on his fidelity, are suspicious of his love

His earlier moral codes and ethics no longer hold

It is a different world where you cannot just love one

Where stories are immoral and poems don’t rhyme

 

Not one to give up, a strong man is he

He fights his way forward and learns new tricks

He struggles, stumbles, makes mistakes and falls

But each time he gets up and once again gives it his all

Soon you can see him run on that unpaved road

Slapping others back and letting go of a roar of a laugh

He abuses and cheats and kills for a living

He lusts for all but loves none

As he passes, women pause

One can see the flirtatious looks, hear the cat whistles

 

Who are we but what others want us to be

A man of character is but a man of habits

A man of morals is one living by the rules we have set

Is there something as one’s true self?

Or are we all pursuing an illusion of freedom that doesn’t really exist?

Long weekend in Kasauli

Just returned from a long weekend in Kasauli – beautiful, serene place. Highly recommended! We drove down there and it took us 7 hrs to reach there but 9 hrs to return, given the Monday evening traffic in Delhi. The drive though is quite comfortable with the roads being good. It is a small town with nothing much to do but very quiet and beautiful. Perfect for a relaxing weekend, especially if you want to have a few conversations and connect with yourself. We spent much of our time sitting in the balcony of our resort, sipping coffee or vodka, looking at the mountains and reading a book.

Here are a few tips for fellow travelers:

1. Stay in Kasauli Resorts, it is the only decent place there and worth its price. Given the idea is to spend a lot of time in the resort, a room with a view can make a hell lot of a difference

2. Drive to Dharampur on the Shimla highway (NH22) and take the road to Kasauli from there. There is another road that starts from Parwaanoo, 24 kms  before Dharampur and goes straight to Kasauli but it is a single-lane road and dangerous during rains. We made the mistake of taking that on the way up. On the way down, we took the Dharampur route and it was a lot more comfortable

3. Have lunch at Ross Commons restaurant, the HP tourism resort on way to Manki Point from the Lower Mall road. The view and the food both are outstanding.

4. Don’t go to Manki Point – the most popular sightseeing area in Kasauli. It is extremely crowded and you’ll spend a lot of time just parking your car. Much better to take in the view from Ross Commons gardens or the balcony of Kasauli Resorts

5. Pick up some HPMC juices,  jams and pickles on your way back on the Shimla highway – best buy from that region. Avoid the fruit flavored wines – while they look interesting, they taste horrible.

6. Do eat at the dhabas between Sonepat and Panipat, especially Aloo ki Roti

Definitely a highly recommended weekend getaway!

En-route to Kasauli

Sun rising over the mountains

The Lower Mall market

View from Ross Commons gardens

Too much too soon

Sometimes when I reflect on my lifestyle, I realize that, from a materialistic perspective, I have achieved too much too early in my life. And that is true for many of my peers.

I have nothing against been rich. I think it is great to be able to live a life that our parents could not till almost their retirement.  As a kid from a salaried middle class family, I remember that while money never seemed a constraint, there was a certain financial discipline with which we lived. Buying new clothes was done around an occasion - a festival or a birthday. Similarly dinners outside were almost always about a celebration. Gifts were exchanged but rarely were they expensive. Our parents purposefully and methodically saved for important events – our education, weddings, emergency funds for unexpected hospitalization. Vacations were relatively few but each left memories (and snaps) cherished for a long, long time. Owing a house was the goal of a lifetime.

Now it is a different world. Within a few years of our job life, we are able to own a house, go for international vacations, have dinner in five star restaurants and be counted amongst the very rich of our society. Being financially secure also opens up new opportunities e.g., leaving one’s job to pursue the crazy path of entrepreneurship! For the more disciplined souls, money also gives a chance to invest in other areas of their life – fitness, sports, hobbies. So, all in all, it is great to be rich and afford the good things of life.

At the same time, I think being rich so early in life comes at a price. It puts certain boundaries on what you can do. And often on who you can be. Suddenly the list of places you would not go to for shopping or dinner shoots up. Certain types of vacation are no longer possible. As you develop a taste for the finer things in life, you tend to lose your taste for the simpler things.  There is a greater reluctance to make a fool of your self in front of others. I also find that many of us who have gained this wealth as a professional employee tend to take it (and with it ourselves) too seriously, unlike someone coming from a rich business family who is more used to it. So you get this bunch of investing and consulting professionals, all in their late 20s and early 30s, living the life of a 40 or a 50 yr old. In many cases, the evidence is physical – pre-mature graying or balding of hair, low levels of physical stamina, a manner of speaking (and even laughing) that sounds like that of an old man the best times of whose life are behind him.

I think the competitive and resource constrained society that we grow up in tends to give us a sense of time which is often distorted.  Everything is compared in relation to one’s age – so someone who is 28 and doing ok at his job is considered ‘ahead’ of someone who is 30, in the same job and doing well in it. Of course there is a clear logic to it, the one who is 28 has more years to get ahead in life and be more successful than the one who is 30. But in a professional world where there is no fixed retirement age, there is a certain fallacy in that argument. I got some perspective on this dimension in the one year I spent in Europe. I was by far the youngest person in my professional peer group. It was easy to find juniors in office who were 5-7 yrs elder to me. Even within their own society, the dispersion in ages at a certain designation was much higher. And people didn’t seem to care that much.

Once I was trying to explain to a lunch group in Amsterdam of why we Indians tend to be so young compared to them. So I told them about the competitive pressures since childhood, the fight to get into an IIT or an IIM, the huge disparity in the earnings of those that are lucky enough to crack a few random exams versus those who can’t, and so on. They tried hard to understand but I could see that it was difficult for them to visualize such a society. They would come back to me with questions like, ‘So when do you guys take time off for travel?’ or ‘You mean to say that even if people are really good at sports or arts, they don’t pursue it if they can get into an IIT?But the toughest question I faced was when one person asked me, ‘I can understand why people want to secure their future before doing anything else. But once they have done it e.g., got into a top consulting firm, why can’t they then take some time off to travel?’. The fact that I was talking to Europeans who are more socialistic probably made the mindset gap more stark than usual. Maybe the mindset gap is lesser compared to a US society (at least the east coast) which is also capitalistic and competitive.

There is something more than just the need for financial and social security that makes us so competitive.  Just the way we go grow up, there is a high premium on time. Age becomes a very important factor. It is evident in the way our society looks at someone who marries late or even who might have taken 2 attempts to get into an IIM versus making it in one go. There is an ingrained value of ‘investing in the future’, whether it is time or money. So pretty much all our adult life is spent with an eye to the future, investing in where we want to be in 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs.  Consequently, there is lower priority to enjoying the present and cashing out on some of those investments. No wonder the people in the peer group I am talking about have much higher levels of anxiety and stress as they always find themselves short of achieving their ‘true potential’. We are too busy learning from the past and planning about the future to notice what is happening in the present.

As I said before, I have nothing against being rich or acquiring wealth, in fact I too want to do it. But I am scared that in the process of doing so many of us tend to lose touch with some of our basic human values. We tend to forget how to be happy and carefree and enjoy life. Nothing comes cheap. Even happiness. And that is sad. We may excel at our professional skills very early in life, but we don’t give enough time to learning life skills – of managing our moods, discovering activities that give us joy, spending time with family and friends, valuing what we have acquired. Of course there is a time cost associated to doing this. And if that means slowing down a bit for this ‘too much, too soon’ generation, so be it. It is worth it.

Getting used to it

It has been almost 2 weeks now of not being in a job life. So far it is going kind of ok. I am still in a transition state. While there is a little getting used to in terms of a new lifestyle, the far bigger challenge is the mindset change I need to make. Having been so used to being an employee, it is tough to let go of the habits you pick up.

Suddenly I have so much more control over my time and my life, but many a times my mind continues to act as if I am answerable to someone else. I keep trying to search for deadlines. There is this habit of assessing my “value-add” everyday – have I done enough? did I miss something? how many items did I clear on my to-do list? It is almost as if I want someone to tell me that I have been good, that I did a great job. There is this need for external approval of my being. Even though I have stepped out of the rat race, I continue to look over my shoulder and judge my position relative to other rats. Only this time, I don’t see any rats behind me. Or ahead of me. It is just me. Of course, I don’t want to fall into the trap of being decadent and lazy, and wasting time. But I do need to learn to relax. All my life I have waited for this time and there was a reason for that – so I can do what I “want” to do. Now I cannot let myself fall in the trap of doing what others think I “should” do. I already meet people, my well-wishers, who tell me that it has “already been 2 weeks” and I should be getting going with things. They mean well. But for them, even entrepreneurship is part of the same rat race we are all in. It is just a different strategy of achieving the same goal – more money. Quite frankly, no matter what people say and how much they talk about finding their passion, in the end the only metric they want to measure entrepreneurship against is money. Too often I too get into this mindset and that is when I become insecure and tense –how will I get over the operational hurdles? when will the revenues start flowing? why will I succeed when others have failed? As an entrepreneur, there is no dearth of fears and doubts, you can get as many as you desire. But if it was only about money, I was better off in my job, much better off. It was likely to give me more than enough money for all that I desired. But the reason I took the plunge was because increasingly more money was not equaling to more happiness. There was something missing. Something important and significant enough to merit such a step. I had to achieve a state of mind that was more relaxed, more content and happier. So I need to slow down. Not rush. I don’t have the luxury of having money flowing in my bank every month. But I have one luxury I haven’t had for a while – having time on my hands. It is precious. I cannot waste it in being worried. I need to invest this time, especially the first few months, not only in setting up my business but also in discovering myself, parts of me that have been dormant for years. I need to invest this time not only in learning new skills but also in unlearning many things.

Having taken such a big risk, the biggest responsibility I shoulder is not of creating more value than I did in my job but of discovering parts of myself that I could not earlier. This is something that only I can understand. Leaving my job to become an entrepreneur is not only about setting up a successful business. It is also about doing the things I always wanted to but couldn’t because I had less control over my life. So all those things that I didn’t do under the excuse that my job life did not allow me to, I must do now.

Leaving my job was when I got my independence. Making the right mindset shift is when I will get my freedom.

A new beginning

Yesterday was my last day at the job. Today is my first day as an entrepreneur. It has been a tough decision. Simply because a lot of questions remain open with regard to what it is I am really going to do. But I know where I want to get to in the end and I know what I will be doing on Monday morning. The things in between will hopefully work out. From a completely rational perspective, I should have waited a few more months as things would have become clearer by then. But this is one of those rare occasions in my life when I have chosen to hear the voice of my heart over the voice in my head. That is what makes this decision so difficult to explain to others. I can see the doubt and concern on their faces as I give them an unconvincing logic behind my decision. Many a times I saw the same look in the mirror. But deep down in my heart I know that this is the right thing to do. And that goes a long way in countering  the fears and doubts I have.

The fact that it has happened it still to sink in. The last few days at work had been unusually busy that gave me little time to think or reflect. It was only towards the second half of yesterday that I slowly began realizing the implications of my decision. There was that sense of heaviness that comes at every goodbye. It is difficult to let go of something special, more so when it is your first and only job, a place you have been with for 5 years and a company that is often regarded as the best to work for in the world. Suddenly I started to look at things and people around me and realize that they will not be there on Monday. I felt sad. Something I never imagined I would when leaving my job. 

At the same time, I could see myself enjoying the feeling of embarking on a romanticised adventure, fuelled by everyone telling me what a brave step I was taking and how they envied me. I know I need to guard against this. For the road ahead is going to be anything but romantic. But I deserve a little bit of that feeling. So let me enjoy it for the moment . However much we deny it, part of the motivation for doing such things in life comes from our deep down need for adventure and fantasy. That is what dreams are made of anyways.

The complete realization of what has happened will come only in a few days, if not more. Till then let me enjoy these moments. They are very special. All my life I had promised myself to be an entrepreneur. Today I have taken the first step in that direction. Thank you God! And also a sincere thanks to my family, especially my wife, for being supportive of this irrational decision. I know many of them are a little scared and unsure of where this will lead to. But that is fine. Even I am scared, more than a little scared. The important thing is that they are willing to support me in spite of their fears.

I know there are a lot of responsibilities and expectations that come with this decision. When I think about them for long, I start to become worried and depressed. So let me not do that. One of the insights I had got while doing the Art of Living course last year was that one should always do the ‘right thing’. Whenever we are faced with a decision, most often than not we know what is the right thing to do. Things are a lot less gray than we want them to be. What stops up from doing the right thing are our fears, ego and bad habits (the last one plays a much bigger role than we imagine). But as long as we can maintain our internal anchor and have the courage to do the right thing, everything else works out. So let me just focus on being strong and doing the right things every day.